_{*Quick Summary: The author, an unofficial relationship coach for his friends, gives some advice requested from him by a few single female friends.*}

Put your hands up! Ha-ha-ha!

Seriously though, if you’re a single, heterosexual woman looking for a man, this post is for you. I can only give you one perspective, and I can’t touch on all topics, but I can give a quick overview and maybe my words will help some of you. I’m an old married guy, but my wife (she’s not old) and I have several great, single, female friends. Friends that want to find a man. Friends that ought not be single if they don’t want to be. They all have one GREAT thing in common –

If you find a single lady that wants to be in a relationship beyond the age of 30 but is perpetually alone, the thing that probably keeps her going is the thing that’s keeping men away – her strength. No weak woman will be single for that long, it’s just a fact. A weaker woman will find someone/anyone to be with, many times the wrong person, and oftentimes cannot be alone. That co-dependency won’t let them stay single for long. They’ll bounce from relationship to relationship if need be, but they’ve always got someone. It’s the strong women that outlast the field and end up single long after their friends are married. How do you fix that and still be strong?

We’ve established these women (you) are strong, right? I mean, you can’t be single in today’s world, never settling for less than you deserve, sometimes even raising kids on your own, without being incredibly strong. It’s your calling card. It’s what you’ve built your life on and it never fails you. It’s your security blanket. You’re an Alpha female. A Queen. I’ll never try to talk anyone out of being strong, and I admire strong women. My mother is a strong woman. My wife is a strong woman. I’m attracted to and comfortable with strong women and always have been. But weak men can’t handle strong women. They turn into little boys and get confused. Stop entertaining weak boys, and start attracting strong men and your problems are solved. Sounds easy, right? Ha-ha-ha!

In order to attract a strong man who is capable of dealing with a strong woman, you first have to analyze what you’re doing wrong. Let’s face it, at this point, you’re willing to accept at least part of the blame, right? Good! But that’s all I want you to accept – part of it. It’s not all your fault, but here’s some insight from a man who might give you a different perspective. I’m not guaranteeing the results, all I’m doing is offering insight.

First, and perhaps most importantly – make sure you know the difference between “your type” and “your pattern”. You may think the men you’re most attracted to are “your type”, but it very well may be they’re just “your pattern”. Perhaps a pattern you need to break, or at the least, be open to modifying. After all, if a certain type of man isn’t working out for you, perhaps that’s the wrong type? Be willing and able to look outside your normal pattern.

So let’s discuss strong men. They are those who still have a desire to hunt for what they want. And yes, good strong men still exist even in these days of “toxic masculinity”. Times change, and we are certainly in a deficit of strong men, but don’t be tricked into believing they don’t still roam the earth, or that they aren’t actively looking for YOU! They’re not expecting things to be given to them, they’re willing to invest in something/someone good, something/someone that proves its value, if they feel there will be a payoff (a relationship). Hey! That sounds like you! If you exist as a single person, they must exist too, right?

One concern with strong men, and a big factor in them seemingly not being available is if they’ve been through some bad relationships. They might be likely to shut down a bit and even think they’d be better off alone than tolerating the types of shenanigans they’ve experienced in the past. As a strong woman, you might recognize those feelings too. Both sides have to want to see the value in the other to be willing to drop their emotional walls and pursue something deep. It truly is about perceived value, and a wise person once said, “Price is only ever an issue in the absence of value.” If you don’t value yourself correctly, you’ll never find the type of guy you want. Too high or too low, and you’ll attract the wrong type of man and miss the mark totally. Are you with me?

So as a strong woman, you have to stop playing games, and doing the things that attracted the boys. Those are the exact behaviors the strong man is looking to avoid. To do that, focus on your relationship with yourself. Build confidence by looking at all your positives, and quit beating yourself up over past mistakes. Deal with the ones you can, conquer the big ones, and give yourself grace to work on the smaller ones a little at a time. You don’t wear your mistakes as a badge or a billboard on the outside. We can’t see them. You’re hard on yourself because you’re the only one that’s been there for every mistake you’ve ever made. The rest of us think you’re the bees knees, because we don’t know what we don’t know. You’ve got to know deep down you’ve got what it takes, and get over your past if you want someone else to overlook it too.

Conversely, don’t get too confident or cocky. Those are defense mechanisms that will eventually backfire. There’s a good balance between being confident and too confident. Find that balance. Confidence is sexy! Love yourself. Somehow, some way, you MUST have a healthy view of yourself. Not delusional, but healthy. Willing to overlook and extend grace for your past, but not denying the areas you still need to focus on for growth or peace. If you don’t have that relationship with yourself, fix it, then come back and read this when you do. You’re not ready for a relationship with others until you accept the person you are.

Part of not being delusional or over confident is not falling for the “Independent Woman” trap. While you most likely ARE just exactly that, avoid calling yourself an “independent woman”. Why? Because all you’re really saying is you can live on your own, pay your own bills, take care of yourself, etc. All those are the same description of an adult. Yep! Just an adult. While it’s nice to let people know you’re not a co-dependent sort who needs others to do things for you, getting too caught up in the “independent woman” description isn’t a great idea. You don’t hear of too many “Independent Men” for a reason. They’re just adults. You’re also an adult and you act like one. That should be apparent without the description.

Next, let’s look at social media. Social media is like the Miranda Rights when getting arrested – Anything you say can and WILL be used against you. Avoid posting silly, poetic, tragic, single girl, relationship memes or quotes on social media. The only people who like them are your other single friends. These posts don’t affirm your value, and instead appear to others you’re asking for validation of those thoughts with likes and comments. You don’t need validation. Look at your eyes in a mirror. There’s your validation. Plus, it’s a silly form of feeling sorry for yourself, and it comes across as sad and desperate. Those poetic relationship memes might make you feel better for a minute, but you know what will make you feel better for longer than that? A real man, and you’re not going to attract him with that. That looks like trouble and baggage to him.

Some women talk about how bad they need a man, while others talk about how they don’t need a relationship, when in fact, they want one terribly. Here’s my tip – Stop talking about relationships at all on social media. Why? Because you need some mystery, and with all the hints you’re dropping all over, anybody that’s the least bit observant can feign interest by using your own words against you. You’ve inadvertently given the world enough hints to use against you to get what they want, all they have to do is mine your posts for info. Predatory men will seek those things out and use them against you. Quit telling men who you want them to be – make them figure it out! Don’t play games, and be honest, but let them do some work to find out more about you and what you expect. After all, strong men aren’t scared to work to find out more about you if you’re displaying value. The only ones you’re feeding with your relationship posts, quotes, and memes are the weak bad guys looking for something easy. It gives them ammo to hit you with, while it makes real men think you’re desperate or doing something wrong, and it lowers your perceived value, so stop it!

Your social media persona needs to be one of truth, not fantasy. You’ve got lots to offer and it’s great to showcase that, but stop trying too hard and stop feeding weak boys. Occasional hopeful mentions of the future are fine (example – I want to go to Hawaii one day), but tying them to men are not (example – I just need to be in Hawaii with my future man). Why? Because you’re an adult and don’t NEED a man! You’ve proven it. The fact you’re reading this proves it. In that case, the goal is to go to Hawaii, not to need a man to enjoy yourself. You can go alone and you need to show that. By doing this, it shows confidence, and a strong man will try to work his way into your plans and make you reconsider your solo flight, while the weak boy just wants to invite you to a nearby beach because all he saw is that you want some sand and sun and you’ll be good to go. He thinks he can pay for a trip, and you’ll be his from now on. It’s the difference between a strong man’s plans and a weak boy’s expectations. One is about building memories with you, the other is about getting something from you in exchange for a weekend at the coast. You need to recognize that you can play into these sorts of things without realizing it, so be careful how you word your posts. They should always maintain the appearance of strength because you’re strong, but at the same time, have an opening here or there to help a good man think about being there doing those activities with you. He’ll look at your photos to see if there are any guys there. Enough photos without a dude, and he’ll assume you don’t have one. Take a photo with a male friend, brother, cousin, or some other guy? Then caption it – “Enjoying the beach with family”, or whatever the case may be. You won’t need to say another word. He’ll see that caption, and realize his hope isn’t lost. At the same time, he’ll see the types of things/places/people you enjoy. That helps him gauge compatibility, and makes him start thinking about how he can fit into your life.

On that note – Think about the photos you post. Generally, basic social media rules apply here, but there are a few areas I want to touch on in addition. Pictures of you drinking make dummies think they can get you drunk and get what they want. They see it as a weakness on which to prey. Meanwhile, a guy who has his business together will think you might be a liability in a social setting with his work colleagues if you like alcohol that much. For those reasons, avoid them unless it’s great pic in a cool setting, or if it’s funny without being demeaning. You already know how to post things that cast you realistically, and those are the best posts. Just think about things from your potential match’s perspective too.

This makes a great reminder to go back through your social media and remove all those cringe-worthy posts from years ago. In this social climate, those types of things can have a devastating affect of your job, relationships, and life. That’s way too much power for a silly post from the past to hold over you. Curate your social feeds closely. Tell people who you are in your own words. Don’t let the old you, or perhaps a younger, dumber version of yourself cost you something today. Old photos of you with the ex? Are those pics still representing you, or are they a liability? In my opinion, purge all that.

If you have kids, post pictures of your kids. You don’t need to hide them. It’s okay to make them the center of your world because they should be. What you don’t want to do is make them such a big focus on social media that a guy has a hard time seeing you as an individual. He needs to fall in love with you first (ideally) then your kids, and it’s hard to do that if he sees/reads nonstop stuff about the kiddos. Sprinkle some pics of you alone in there to entice him. Make him mentally picture himself by your side. Once he starts plugging himself into your life in his thoughts, he’ll start acting on that to spend time with you. Then, he’ll get to know and love your kids.

Lastly, an occasional selfie is fine. Everybody likes to see what you look like, but constant streams of selfies appear self-absorbed BECAUSE THEY ARE! Act accordingly!

Next – Where To Find Them?

Now that we’ve established it’s strong men you’re looking for, where do those types of guys go? What do they do in their leisure? First – they’re likely not in the clubs or bars. They might visit them, but they’re not looking for Mrs. Right there, and you shouldn’t be looking for Mr. Right there either. Outdoor concerts, fitness activities/sports, church and church functions, animal rescue groups, grocery stores, car shows, and other places where active, useful guys are is where you need to be. Think of it like this – where would they go by themselves, just to be active in their own interests? This is another reason bars shouldn’t be on this list. If they’re pursuing their interests by sitting in a bar, you’ve found the wrong guy, unless that’s what you like to do too.

Online dating has come a long way and it can be great as an introduction, but when it comes down to real life, you have to get to know someone before you start investing too much into them, and the best way to do that is to spend time with them somewhere you both enjoy. Find those places in your area and start visiting them. If you don’t spot a man or have fun with the one you met there, at least you’ve spent time on something you like. That means you won’t feel like you’ve wasted your time.

So this seems easy, but – How do you talk to this guy?

You’ve got this, right? I mean, I don’t need to hold your hand through this step, but think about your speech early in the relationship. Just keep in mind the things we’ve learned above – some good men may have given up on ever finding love. Taking that into consideration, most guys don’t mind if you make the first move, and by “move”, I’m talking about looking him in the eye and saying “Hello!”. Best pickup line ever! That should be plenty to start with. If he can’t work with that, he may not be the guy you want. Sure, if you have a witty line that breaks the ice, use it! Just keep things cool until he shows interest. Your emotional walls are aching to come down, but not yet. You’re not trying to convince him to love you, you’re just providing an opening to chat. That’s all. Easy. A very small chink in your armor.

Don’t drop hints, no matter how subtle. Most guys don’t pick up on them, so you’re just confusing them and frustrating yourself. We are notoriously dumb about picking up on subtle stuff. While you might think he’ll need to detect your subtle cues in a relationship, you’re not in a relationship yet, are you? There’s time for subtlety later. Now isn’t the time. That’s a game and you’ve got to stop playing games if you’re looking for a high-value man. Ask him questions, and make him ask you questions, while being totally honest with your answers. Now isn’t the time to tell him what he wants to hear. Be honest. No “bait and switch”. Make him engage you in conversation and make eye contact. Now don’t be quiet and say nothing, but don’t gush on and on either. Let him fill in some blanks. Let him sell himself. Ask him an occasional question to keep things going, but don’t be scared to be quiet either. If he’s the right guy, a little silence will tell you more than all the talking in the world. A comfortable silence is intimate. If he doesn’t stop talking about himself, or doesn’t engage you in genuine conversation, then you know what to do… He’s self-absorbed. Give him the boot. A guy who’ll listen is the best, right? The conversation should flow well and seem two-sided. If it’s not flawless at first, that’s fine. Just look for potential now, and the rest will develop as you learn more about one another.

That leads us to – Expectations.

A big mistake I see single ladies make is when they plug a guy into future scenarios. It’s natural to want to see yourself in someone else’s future, but putting them in yours is dangerous. Let them volunteer to plug themselves into your plans. Example – You might ask a guy if he wants kids one day, and he answers “Yes.”. He didn’t say he wanted to have kids with YOU, but that’s what you heard isn’t it? You plugged him right into your scenario. Now don’t go asking him if he wants to have kids with YOU, yet either. That’s not fair. My point is, be careful not to read too much into a guy’s answers and then hold him to expectations he never agreed to. Similarly, stop making plans for you as a couple until you’re actually a couple. If you just met, don’t build a scenario where you’re married, have kids, have a nice house, or cool cars, or any of that. You’ve gone too far. It’s about now, not the past, not the future – just this moment in time. Relax and enjoy today. No need to project into the future. I promise he isn’t there yet, nor should he be.

Along those lines, one of the biggest signs a woman trusts a man (or anyone), is when they start to share their schedule with him. If you think about it, it’s natural. You would want to guard your comings and goings from a bad guy, right? In that same way, if you find yourself telling him when you’ll be off work, or where/when you’re doing things in your free time, you’ve already let down your guard a bit. Hopefully he notices that. Most men instinctively know they don’t get schedule cues from women who aren’t interested in them, but they might not always recognize the interested woman is revealing them. Don’t let that bug you – as I said above, subtlety doesn’t work with men. BUT, it can be good for you to gauge yourself and realize he must be earning your trust if you’re subconsciously revealing your schedule. Also, if he cares enough about you to be observant, he may start to want to plan things when you tell him you have a time slot available

Finally – The Baggage.

Here’s the hard part, but if you’ve made it this far, you’re ready for this. LET. DOWN. YOUR. GUARD. Do it! You didn’t get to be the strong woman you are by letting your guard down did you? And if it got you this far in life, then it’ll get you the rest of the way, right? WRONG! It won’t. If it did, you wouldn’t be here reading this.

When you think you’ve found a good, stable guy that’s capable of going to the next step, let him inside your heart. Don’t be scared. You might get hurt, but if you don’t let your guard down, you’ll literally never find what you want. You MUST do it to have the sort of intimate connection you need to win your heart. Once you’ve had a few of those WOW moments, he’s earned a little more trust. Be strong, but understand you’re never stronger than when you’re vulnerable. By doing this, and totally tearing down the walls you’ve built to keep the others out, you’re giving him the greatest of gifts – not making him pay for the sins of past men. We discussed value earlier and trust me when I tell you, starting with a clean slate is the most value you can project into any relationship. If he hasn’t hurt you, don’t greet him with the barriers you built for the guys who have. You’ve heard it said that when you find the right person, things just feel right; the reason for that is because the emotional walls are down, and you begin building a life together with those toppled bricks. So many failed relationships are directly attributable to bringing fears and expectations from the past into the present. Stop that! It’s hard but it’s worth it.

Next, ditch your backup plan! So many people (men and women) have a “Plan B” when it comes to relationships. These people are never fulfilled because they’re living in the past or the future. In their minds the relationship is already over. Sometimes they even sabotage the relationship because that gives them a feeling of power over the future of it. Silly, huh? Get rid of the thoughts you can go back to an ex or move on to a new guy if things don’t work out, and just focus on what’s in front of you now. There is no room for a “Plan B” in your life. You need one plan and he’s right in front of you. If he doesn’t work out, then the next guy will be “Plan A”, but there should never be a “Plan B”. If you commit to a man, commit fully. It’s amazing that once you do, and drop your guard, how clear things become. That’s when happiness happens!

Annnnnd – PRAY! I know it goes without saying as many of you already do, but praying that God’s will is done in your life is key here. Pray for yourself, your life, your issues and if it is God’s will, that He brings the right guy to you. It’s entirely possible that you haven’t met the right guy because God isn’t finished with him yet. Be prayerful, but acknowledge God’s timing. Mr. Right a year from now, may not be Mr. Right now. He may have some lessons to learn and mistakes to make to be the man you need him to be. It’s better that he does all that before he enters your life. Pray God shows him those lessons to prepare him for who he needs to be for you.

In Closing – Your Strength.

You’re a strong woman. Secretly, you’re tired of being strong. You want someone to help you. You need someone to just take over sometimes. We all do. Life is tough, but it’s tougher alone. God built us to need others. Unless you allow that need, it won’t happen. Your strength is your weakness. Knowing that and having the ability to turn it off at the right times is the secret to relationship success. Women are built to be soft, gentle, nurturing and caring. Because life throws hard things at you, you become hardened. You had to become strong to face the world that hurt your gentle soul, but deep inside is still a little girl. Finding the right guy to be a grown version of that little girl with is key, but being strong for him is just as valuable. Balance your strength with weakness. Not feeling sorry for yourself, but genuine vulnerability. Don’t be helpless, but letting a guy open a door for you or pay for your meal is good. He should want to do it, but if he’s slow to take the lead, guide him. Society these days have sent him mixed signals about this stuff. Show him the right way to treat you. Does he not open the door for you? Walk up to a door and stop. He’ll figure it out. Keep in mind that being with a strong woman can be the ultimate test for a man. It’s also the greatest reward, but he may not know that yet. Show him that along the way. Prove to him that earning your attention is worth the price, and by doing that, you increase your value in his eyes. Know what you’re worth and be the amazing person you’re meant to be. If you do that, you won’t need a man, but he’ll want to work to be in your life.

UPDATE: I’m not a licensed therapist, and I might be wrong with all of this, but response from readers so far tell me I’m close to being spot on. If you disagree with me, or have something to add, contact me! Let’s discuss it! Chances are great you’ll show me something I hadn’t thought of before, and that may, in turn, help others!